The Culture of Shame

A nation's culture resides in the hearts and in the soul of its people.

No one is born with shame, even though we arrive naked into a room full of strangers. Shame is a concept and feeling that kicks in when we are a child, learn language and start to form our self- identity. Shame occurs when we receive discipline, negative attention and rebukes for something that involved us, and we are told we did something wrong and unacceptable.

No surprises then that shame is commonly used as a means of discipline by caregivers, teachers and society to deal with unruly behaviour in children. This is a dangerous and unhelpful approach because shame as punishment sends the message that the child is the problem rather than what they have done.

Shame acts by giving the child a negative message about themselves, rather than their behaviour and the impact of their behaviour. Therefore, shame is personal as it involves the person of the child and is not separated out to just their behaviour. It sends the message that you have not met my expectations and I’m ashamed of you. This creates a negative sense of identity within the child and can lead to feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and despair.

Culture is a powerful influencer and force in all our lives. It brands itself into our hearts and minds and lives there silently impacting us as we navigate our way through life. The culture that we grow up in exerts powerful influence over what is deemed acceptable behaviour, approved life choices and personal decisions that we make. Culture can be so powerful that a person can be ostracised from their family and community if they do not adhere to cultural expectations.

Shame and culture are a toxic partnership when it comes to breeding the shame. The culture that we grow up in exposes us to expectations of what is acceptable or not. This leads to expressions of disappointment, disapproval and shame if we don’t live up to cultural expectations. We may have been expected to do very well academically or achieve success early on in life, being the ‘gifted’ child who would be the pride of the family. Failure to live up to the expectations of parents or culture leads to expressions of shame that can stay with you up into adulthood.

Shamed children, who did not live up to the expectations of their family and culture, can stay that way. These now adult children who were desperate for their parent’s approval as children are still seeking to receive this. That negative, critical voice that the child heard growing up is still being heard as an adult.

The adult child may hear comments such as, ‘Are you not married yet?’, ‘No children?’, ‘Not been promoted yet?’, ‘Still renting?’ The shamed child now becomes the shamed adult, so the shame gets reinforced, perpetuates itself and then this keeps eating away at the person. Again, it sends the same message, you have not lived up to my expectations, you’ve let yourself and the family down and I’m ashamed of you.

Social media is a part of modern culture now and whether we love it or hate it, it’s not going anywhere soon. It created its own sub-culture, language and even careers as influencers, followers, likes, trolls and meme’s have implanted themselves into the psyche of its devotees.

What it’s also responsible for is the propagation of the idea that having a certain type of body or look is necessary to be viewed as attractive, successful or desirable. We now have expressions such as ‘fat-shaming’ or ‘body-shaming’ to describe the negative attention people receive on social media by trolls who comment on how they look.

The anonymity social media provides people allows them to fully shame others without any consequences. Shaming someone in such a way can lead to any number of mental health difficulties such as anorexia, bulimia, depression, anxiety and even suicide.

The antidote to shame is in part allowing others to support you. Having the right kind of support is vital, as it gives an alternative perspective to how we see ourselves and another’s voice can help challenge the negative internal shaming voice. It also shows that we are deserving of support and that others will accept us as we are, without expectation or negative judgement.

The culture of community that is shaming us is not reflective of wider society and is a bubble in a much bigger bubble. Bursting the small cultural bubble creates space in our life to see the world and ourselves differently and that can be life-changing.

Dr Mark Rackley

@drmarkrackley
www.drmarkrackley.com
Listen to my podcast: I Have Issues, The Mental Health Podcast From Dr Mark Rackley (on all major podcast platforms)

For support with your mental health:
-Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service.
-Make an urgent appointment with your GP.
-Go to your nearest Accident and Emergency (A&E) department.
-Visit www.nhs.uk. All areas have local mental health crisis lines where urgent help, possibly at home, can also be arranged.